sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
