His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
