Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
