K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Plan B is the new Plan A
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
