I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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