I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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