he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
