And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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