We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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