do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
