You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
