The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
