Only a mothe r could love this liver
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
