genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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