I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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