First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
