Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
