those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
