i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize