He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
