He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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