he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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