How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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