apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
