Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
