just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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