It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
