so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
