ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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