I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
