If i come over, it means nothing
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
