my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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