I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
