Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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