just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
we're so committed to being not committed
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
