i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
