the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
