Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
