i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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