I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
