I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
