I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
