I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
