He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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