I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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