Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
