If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
