You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize