I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
