hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
