I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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