I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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