did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
