I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
