An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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